rick

we were laying on the hill with a three-foot gap between us --
just enough room for him to squeeze in the middle.

and he grabbed my hand
and played with my hair.

and the whole time i was worried
about what he would say
because he was right next to us.

inebriated, i thought he couldn't see,
but he saw.

i didn't care.

i care now.

and i messed up so badly.
and the talking is going so slowly. [July 18, 2006]

I hate that he's doing this to me, and that I'm doing this to myself. I don't need anymore stress in my life right now.

If it were any of my friends, I would have told them to move on; he's controlling your life. I wait for his phone call every night, even if it's just to have him there as I fall asleep. And he asks me if I'm gonna fall asleep on him again, and I lie to him, and tell him no. And he knows I'm lying. [September 24, 2006]